This is Shireno, a counselor for Avoidant and Anxious attachment styles.
Some sites are sharing “incorrect” ways to treat an Anxious attachment style. if you use the incorrect ways, you cannot treat what can be treated. Thus, I would like to share both incorrect ways to deal with Anxious attachment and proper ways to treat it.
table of contents
Wrong method 1: Love yourself (be confident with yourself)
Many people say that loving yourself and being confident with yourself are the ways to treat an Anxious attachment style.
Even some psychologists and relationship specialists recommend so.
It is true that Anxious people commonly have low self-esteem. Thus, it is not a completely wrong solution, but they do not really understand Anxious attachment.
Because you cannot love yourself even though you are recommended to do so, you are Anxious.
Because you are not able to be confident with yourself even though you are recommended to do so, you are Anxious.
Because you are struggling to love yourself and be confident with yourself, you depend on your relationship and partner.
Moreover, by being told that you need to love yourself, you feel that you are failing on it and thus end up having further lower self-esteem.
It is critical to have healthy self-worth in the end, but that is not the first step for Anxious.
You need to follow certain “steps” and finally reach a place of loving yourself (I will explain the steps later).
So, stop the effort to love yourself for now. This is a very sensitive process that you need to be aware of.
MEMO
Because you cannot love yourself even though you are recommended to do so, you are Anxious.
It is critical to reaching a place of loving yourself, but it comes later.
If you follow the wrong order, you will fail.
Wrong method 2: Focus on other things such as work or hobbies
You hear people saying “focus on other things such as work or hobbies”. The idea is that because you put too much effort only into relationships, you diversify your energy to other things.
This helps you improve if your situation is a short-term sadness or you have a very light Anxious attachment. It is not negative to have work or hobbies as people tend to think too much when they have too much free time.
However, this is NOT a way to fundamentally treat Anxious attachment. For those who have a heavy Anxious attachment, this is just a “stopgap.”
It is to avoid facing the reality and true issue.
As the fundamental issue of Anxious attachment has not been solved, you may not feel the symptoms in the short term, but will see the issues coming back.
Thus, this is not the fundamental treatment.
MEMO
It is not negative to have work or hobbies as people tend to think too much when they have too much free time.
This helps you improve if you have a very light Anxious attachment. For those with a heavy Anxious attachment, this is just a “stopgap.”
Wrong method 3: Spend more time with your girlfriends
This is also commonly recommended.
Again, it helps you improve if your situation is a short-term sadness or you have a very light Anxious attachment.
However, this is a way to recover from lost love for those with a healthy attachment style. For those with a heavy Anxious attachment, this is just a “stopgap.”
Also, your friends who have limited knowledge of this subject matter may simply tell you “forget it, break up with him!”.
This may push you to backlash against that comment and end up in worsening Anxious symptoms.
As the fundamental issue of Anxious attachment has not been solved, there would be nothing much to improve.
MEMO
This is not a treatment, but a way to recover from lost love for those with a healthy attachment style.
It is a “stopgap” if we do not face the fundamental issues.
Wrong method 4: Depend on things like horoscopes, religion or spirituality and run away from reality
The first 3 methods are not completely unhealthy for Anxious attachment. Even if you use all the 3 methods, negative impacts are limited, and you can still recover from Anxious attachment and have a happy relationship/marriage.
However, if you get deeply involved with horoscopes, religion or spirituality, running away from reality, recovery from Anxious attachment is going to be extremely difficult.
When Anxious people get deeply involved with them, they may face a life-long danger. If people with a healthy attachment style are involved with only one of them, it may not be too serious. However, if Anxious people deal with them, it is very risky. It can create heavy dependencies such as gambling and alcohol.
This topic requires a long explanation, which I avoid for now. However, please remember that Anxious attachment AND the imaginary world are the worst combinations.
It is sad to observe that Anxious people, especially when they want to get back with an ex-partner, tend to run away from reality and get heavily involved with the imaginary world. I have met Anxious clients who come to me after losing thousands of money.
This is simply a replacement of dependencies and running away from reality. As the fundamental issues are not solved, there would be nothing to improve.
Anxious attachment can be treated and its symptoms can be improved within a few months. However, if you are involved in the imaginary world, you will need at least a few years.
MEMO
This is simply a replacement of dependencies and running away from reality.
This creates negative impacts and pushes you to a longer path to recovery.
You may lose money and important people in your life.
The proper way: develop healthy self-worth
Now, let’s talk about how to fundamentally treat Anxious attachment.
That is to increase your self-esteem and develop healthy self-worth. This is it.
However, you will fail without preparation as I described in method 1.
This is because Anxious people are “cursed” to be unhappy and lack self-worth.
When you are “cursed” to be unhappy, you cannot increase your self-worth
When you are “cursed”, tricks or techniques will do nothing for you. It is ineffective.
You may feel better here and there, but it is short-lived.
Please imagine that you try to accelerate while hitting a brake. You will not move a bit.
It is the same thing. When you are “cursed” to be unhappy, you cannot build self-worth.
What is the “curse” to be unhappy? Who has them? How can we detect them?
It is easy to detect those who have the “curse” to be unhappy.
“I can’t love myself”
“I can’t be happy”
You are firmly convinced with your thoughts. That’s it.
Fear of abandonment among Anxious people is a part of the “curse”.
Once you release the curse, you can increase your self-worth
Please see the following process.
1. Release the “curse” as it is stopping you from developing healthy self-worth
2. Develop healthy self-worth
3. Treat Anxious attachment and have a healthy relationship
As you release the “curse”, you can build self-worth, thus you can treat Anxious attachment.
I have made a digital book, which summarizes the detailed process of releasing the curse.
It took me over 2 months. It includes the proven process that worked for my female clients.
It talks about the fundamental dynamic of the Anxious attachment style.
This is for only those who seriously want to improve your Anxious attachment style.
=> 3 Steps to treat Anxious attachment – 37 tools to have a happy relationship
=> 3 Steps to treat Anxious attachment – 37 tools to have a happy relationship
Summary
I have shared the 4 commonly mentioned “incorrect ways” to treat the Anxious attachment style.
The first 3 methods are not completely unhealthy for Anxious attachment. Even if you use all the 3 methods, negative impacts are limited. Everyone goes through these passes – please do not worry.
However, method 4, running to the imaginary world, is very risky. Recovery from Anxious attachment is going to be extremely difficult.
Fundamentally treating Anxious attachment is to increase your self-esteem and develop healthy self-worth.
However, you will fail without preparation.
Once you release the “curse” to be unhappy, you can build self-worth, thus you can treat Anxious attachment.
=> 3 Steps to treat Anxious attachment – 37 tools to have a happy relationship
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