“How differently do Avoidants treat their serious partner from hook-up girls?”
“What types of women Avoidants select as their serious partner?”
“On the other hand, what types of women end up in his hook-up category?”
Do you feel anxious questioning your position?
I frequently receive these questions from my clients who have an Avoidant boyfriend.
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[Baseprinciple] Avoidants treat their serious partner in similar ways how normal men treat their hook-up girls
I want you to know first that Avoidants may treat their serious partner in similar ways to how normal men treat their hook-up girls. When you tell your friends about your Avoidant man, your friends may say “he is obviously just playing with you” or “you are just a convenient girl for him.”
Is it really true?
No, not always, not necessarily.
For example, if he is an “Escapee” type, it is rare that he is contacting you regularly.
Even if you are the only woman for him, he may treat you just like his “one of them”.
Please check the “6 Don’t Dos” below so that you will not get demoted from the serious partner position.
[Check] 6 behaviors put you outside the serious partner zone
If you are taking the following behaviors, it is likely that you are not considered his serious partner.
Please stop doing it as soon as possible.
Even if you are not currently taking the attitudes below, please continue not to do so.
The more you do, the less you are considered his serious partner.
1. Love/attention seeking
Stop asking for his love.
This obviously includes verbal expression, but also non-verbal cues.
As you love him, it is completely understandable that you want him to love you. However, this stimulates his trauma. The more you do, the further you are from becoming his serious partner.
2. Clingy
Don’t be clingy – the clingier you are (actions like “I will do anything for you”), the more he keeps a distance from you and the further you are from becoming his serious partner. He cannot take your heavy love and pressure. Even normal men feel heavy, but Avoidants react much worse as it stimulates their trauma. They get scared and run away from you
3. Needy
Don’t be needy such as requesting him to reply to your texts/calls.
I understand that you end up requesting because he does not reply, and you get anxious. However, this is not good. Doing once is one thing, but requesting multiple times pushes you away from his serious partner position.
Again, even normal men feel annoyed when they feel forced to reply, but Avoidants would react much worse.
4. Jealous
Don’t be jealous of other women.
Especially when your Avoidant partner is a “Player” type, you may get jealous. This is not good.
Avoidants do not like the feeling of jealousy. If he detects that you are jealous of other women, he grades you down.
When he is in a positive state with you, he may be more forgiving, but it is overall better that he does not think you are jealous. The more jealous you are, the higher the risk would be for him to keep a distance from you.
5. Asking him where you two stand
Don’t ask him things like “how do you think of us?” or “am I your girlfriend?”
If you ask him, he is less likely to give you a direct answer – he may ignore or change the topics.
As an ex-Avoidant, I admit that we are simply trying to dissemble because we do not want to answer. If you do not drop and further interrogate, he would degrade you. He would even consider leaving you.
I completely understand your anxiety, but nothing good comes out by asking him about your position.
6. Being a doormat
Don’t accept ALL, including what you hate to accept.
You may find some online articles suggesting you “accept him entirely” in order for you to be his only one. It is not at all correct.
If you do so, Avoidants, especially “Escapees” get scared and run away. “Players” and “Takers” are puffed up and their Avoidant symptoms get worse, leading to the end of the relationship.
Do not misunderstand. Some acceptance is important, but not ALL of them – it is very dangerous.
How many of the following behaviors apply to you?
- Love/attention seeking
- Clingy
- Needy
- Jealous
- Asking him where you two stand
- Being a doormat
If you have 2+, it is difficult for you to take a serious partner position.
Do not worry about the past. Please memorize the 6 behaviors and try to modify your attitude.
It is possible for you to get closer to the position.
He is hopeless in relationships
Many Avoidants are hopeless in relationships. They are often aware that it is difficult for them to be very close and intimate with someone and thus feel hopeless.
– “I am unfit for a relationship”
– “I am a pain in a relationship”
– “I do not want to have a girlfriend because I do like to be tied down”
– “I want you to leave me alone as I prefer to be alone”
Don’t you recall any of the comments from him?
He may make them sound like a joke, but he means them.
The only way to get closer to his serious partner is to understand him and behave appropriately
You first need to understand Avoidant men’s psychology.
Many women do not know/understand Avoidant men. They do not know appropriate behaviors and non-consciously end up hurting him and getting hurt in return.
He loses his trust in you, claiming more loudly “I am not having a serious partner” or “I will never get married.”
Avoidants indeed have issues, but women who are dealing with the Avoidants also play a role in encouraging Avoidants’ problematic behaviors.
You need to realize this system.
You can become his serious partner if you behave appropriately
As I mentioned, some women’s behaviors are also contributing to Avodinat men’s distrust of women.
However, you can change the game if you know Avoidant men’s psychology.
If you treat him appropriately, his reactions would change accordingly. He may think “she is the first woman who understands me!”
Obviously, there are no 100% guaranteed techniques to become someone’s serious partner. However, you can increase the probability. If you continue to be ignorant of their psychology, you may not be loved by them for years.
Why it is difficult for me to give you clear answers to the differences in how he treats a serious partner vs. a hook-up girl
I can give straight answers to women who understand Avoidant men’s psychology. However, it is very difficult for me to give answers to women who do not.
For example, assume that a 6-year boy came to you and asked you about simultaneous equations. Can you answer?
You would tell him to wait till he understands more basic math. This is the same.
If you do not have a deep understanding of Avoidants, there’s a limitation for me to explain the difference in how he treats a serious partner vs. a hook-up girl.
I do not know your level of understanding. However, if you learned only from online sources, I must say that your level of understanding is not too high. Please first study the Avoidant attachment style.
I am sharing a digital article below, which explains all 11 actions you should not take against your Avoidant boyfriend.
It also talks about how to deal with Avoidants and the characteristics and minds of 5 types of Avoidants in depth. It then discusses the differences in how he treats a serious partner vs. a hook-up girl (Chapter 7).
=> Textbook: how to deal with an Avoidant, with a deep understanding of Avoidants
Summary
- As a principle, Avoidants treat their serious partner in similar ways to how normal men treat their hook-up girls.
- The more you take the 6 “Don’t Do” behaviors, the more you are viewed as a non-serious partner.
- Avoidants are often aware that it is difficult for them to be very close and intimate with someone and thus feel hopeless.
- The only way to get closer to his serious partner is to become a woman who understands him and behaves appropriately
- You can become jis serious partner if you understand him and behave appropriately
- If you instead continue to be ignorant of Avoidant’s psychology, you may not be loved by them for years.
- If you do not have a deep understanding of Avoidants, there’s a limitation for me to explain the difference in how he treats a serious partner vs. a hook-up girl. Please read the textbook if you truly want to understand and stay with your Avoidant boyfriend. => Textbook: how to deal with an Avoidant, with a deep understanding of Avoidants
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