What is Avoidant attachment?

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What is Avoidant attachment?

Simply put – those who avoid building deep connections and emotional closeness in relationships.

Avoidants have childhood wounds/traumas in their households. Thus, while they may well manage shallow relationships, they unconsciously avoid deep relationships as such closeness stimulates their past wounds.

7 characteristics of Avoidant attachment

1. Having grown up under overprotective parents, he is not good at dealing with strong emotions
2. Having grown up under intrusive parents, he is sensitive to controlling behaviors of his own and yours
3. He is not good at sharing his vulnerability and true feelings
4. He prefers an “easy” relationship and selects a partner who he can easily control
5. He is busy focusing on something outside the relationship (e.g., hobby, work)
6. He feels “suffocated” and “smothered” in intimacy
7. He avoids intimate connections at any costs

5 Types of Avoidants

There are 5 types of Avoidants. He can belong strongly to one type or have characteristics of different types. When having multiple types, he can switch his dominant type over time with some triggers.

1. Player

He dates multiple women and does not commit to one woman
It is a strong status symbol for him to be able to have many sexes and to be desired by women
He has a great career or reputation – good at putting on an act of being competent
He acts confident around women and knows how to show care for them
He looks down on men who have a limited experience with women

2. Dictator

It has to be his way
He frequently speaks in a commanding tone
He often talks down to you or is dismissive of you
He abruptly gets angry when you even slightly disagree with his opinions
He can be physically violent
He strongly believes that he is right

3. Taker

He has demands on others, but hates to take others’ demands
He turns to be kind only when he asks for your favor and/or when you accept his requests
When you reject his requests, he gets grumpy, complains, or gives you a silent treatment
He is persistent in getting his needs met
He displays strong signs of immaturity and selfishness

4. Narcissist

He often makes comments indicating that he thinks he is superior or above others
He easily says and does things to hurt other people’s feeling
He only talks about himself
He lacks empathy
He is kind to others who compliment him while he can be aggressive to those who criticize him

5. Escapee

He sometimes ignores or ghosts you
He overly dislikes the feeling of being “tied down”
He always values his freedom
He does not share his true feeling
He doesn’t like deep conversations
He avoids sharing his schedules and plans
He does not like making promises and having commitments

Besides the characteristics described above, we can pay attention to his family background – Avoidants tend to have grown up in dysfunctional households.

It is not possible to diagnose a person as an Avoidant with 100% certainty because Avoidance attachment is not a physical ailment such as flu. However, if you can observe multiple Avoidant characteristics as well as finding his family background to be dysfunctional, you can assume a high probability that he is an Avoidant.

Many of my clients and their partners have grown up in dysfunctional households.

Codependency by dating an Avoidant

When you date an Avoidant, the couple often forms a co-dependent relationship – a caution for the partner of Avoidants.

Co-dependency = dependent on being dependent, need to be needed.

You might be “codependent” with your Avoidant partner if you feel uncomfortable and dissatisfied when he no longer needs you, while you felt awful and tired of his demands and orders. If you were codependent with him, you would worsen his Avoidant symptoms.

Important to fully understand the Avoidant’s psychology, not just learn how to act around the Avoidants

It is difficult to get along with Avoidants. First of all, you may have a limited understanding of the Avoidant attachment style. Additionally, you do not know how to act around them. Moreover, even if you understand how to act around them, you need to fully understand the “why” behind their actions and thoughts.For example, it is the fact that we should not “direct or order” Avoidants. However, if you do not know “why you should not direct or order,” then you cannot apply the understanding to all the situations.

Please recall your school mathematics. Let’s say that you memorized 1+1 = 2, without understanding the concept of addition. Then, you cannot solve 2+3, 4+9, or 3+7.

This applies to “how to deal with Avoidants”. If you only memorized some of the correct actions without understanding “why”, you cannot maintain a good relationship with him for a long time. It is critical to deeply understand Avoidant psychology.

Avoidants may feel strong resistance to actions that normal people do not have many reactions to. Such actions worsen their Avoidant’s symptoms, and your relationship with the Avoidant gets worse and worse as you interact with him. On the other hand, if you behave correctly, his Avoidant symptoms get softer.

You can make his problematic behaviors worse or softer – your actions/reactions have strong impacts.

Please read the articles below – they are quite important.

=> Messages from ex-Avoidant to women who are dating an Avoidant man

Please read below if you truly want to understand and stay with your Avoidant boyfriend

=> For those who struggle in a relationship with an Avoidant boyfriend