There is a 6-step relationship cycle for almost all Avoidants go through when they date their Anxious partner (regardless of who the Anxious partner is).
I, as an ex-Avoidant, would like to explain the 6 steps, sharing my true feelings.
table of contents
Cycle 1: attracted to Anxious; their low self-worth and obedience
They meet Anxious and get attracted to her.
Avoidants can sense the Anxious girl’s obedience and low self-worth and find her attractive.
They feel safe and confident as they can take a lead in the relationship with Anxious.
They are used to the Anxious type as their parents or ex-girlfriends tend to be Anxious.
They feel safe and enjoy the feeling of “being wanted”.
It goes both ways – it is not that only Anxious finds Avoidant attractive.
“I do not feel that I just met her.”
“Destiny!?”
They feel a strong attraction.
Cycle 2: approach Anxious with one or more following methods
Avoidants approach Anxious and try to attract her, by displaying power, showing consideration, taking the role of guardian, and/or acting like a child to play with her maternal instinct.
1. Displaying the power
Avoidants often consciously or unconsciously seek money and authority. For men, money and authority are the key status symbols, meaning they gain social leadership. Also, some try to impress Anxious by being calm and cool.
2. Caring and considerations
Avoidants are good at caring Anxious by, for example, encouraging her and showing a strong interest in her. Anxious tend to crave attention – Avoidants provide it by displaying a deep interest in her.
3. Protecting
Avoidants act as a guardian to Anxious. They make Anxious feel that they are protected and taken care of.
4. Sweet talks and actions
Avoidants give you sweet talks, which are completely out of the norm. As both Avoidants and Anxious are crazy about each other, he may talk so romantically like in movies. If Anxious is a caregiver type, he may act cutely to you.
Using the tactics listed above, Avoidants try to get Anxious (of course, the degree depends on a person).
Anxious partners also struggle to love themselves. Thus, they unconsciously look for a Prince Charming who perfectly loves them, saving them from their low self-worth. Thus, Anxious finds Avoidants very attractive.
Cycle 3: feeling elated as being admired and endeared
Avoidants feel elated as Anxious partners admire and depend on them.
Anxious partners have also been looking for partners who perfectly love them, they feel happiest as they feel relieved from their long-term pains.
With the exception of non-committed players, Avoidants are sincerely attracted to their Anxious partner. However, this feeling and stage do not last so long.
Over time, love from Anxious partners starts to stimulate the Avoidant’s fear of closeness and control.
Cycle 4: feeling strong pain as being pressured and controlled
The elated feeling is gone – he was once so happy with the fact that she admired and depended on him.
He was also very happy with her motherly devotion and love. Now, he feels suffocated.
He now resents her weakness and sweetness that he used to get attracted to. He views them as pressure and control.
“I want to see you!”
“I miss you!”
Even such innocent comments start to break his heart and annoy him. He starts to act cold and distant.
Anxious partner is surprised at his sudden change and coldness, wondering why.
Avoidants cannot explain it. He does not even know himself.
It is coming from his trauma, in which he felt pressured and controlled.
How is he feeling inside?
It is difficult to verbally describe, but it is something like;
- “Scared, pain, fear”
- “Mentally exhausted”
- “My heart is breaking when facing emotional comments”
- “Suffocated as my energy is sucked”
- “My heart is grabbed and squeezed”
Avoidants feel such strong stress (the degree depends on a person).
I used to experience symptoms such as hand tremors, irregular heartbeat, dizziness or nausea.
This is happening for Avoidants while Anxious feel concerned and lonely, thinking;
“No replies from him…”
“Why??”
“He is dumping me?”
Anxious partners are thinking “I am the victim.
He was the one who hurt me!” Please know that Avoidants are also suffering.
If you contact him during this stage, his Avoidant symptoms get worse.
Both Anxious and Avoidants get emotionally drained.
This is a tragedy.
Cycle 5: pushing Anxious partner away and finding other dependencies in order to run away from the fear and control
Avoidants start to look for ways to feel relieved from the suffocation.
They tend to look for strong stimuli and dependencies such as alcohol, gambling, sex and relationship with multiple women.
Note to Avoidants: I have done all and would not recommend these as they are strong stimuli, which also come with high risks.
Work and hobbies are “healthier” things to get addicted to. I understand that you chase self-destruction, but I know that you would regret it later (I used to feel so). It is best to manage your stress with healthy activities.
Avoidants focus on keeping distance from their Anxious partner by getting addicted to something. This is to escape from the control of Anxious partners.
Anxious partners are depressed, feeling completely abandoned by the Avoidants during this stage, but Avoidants are also trying to escape from their past pains.
Cycle 6: going back to the Anxious partner (or finding a new partner) as being scared of getting abandoned or feeling guilty
Once having a good distance from their Anxious partner,
Avoidants start to feel stable. Once their mind is stable, they start to feel two emotions (this is likely the reason why your Avoidant partner comes back to you).
1. Feeling guilty => possibility of him coming back
Avoidants are feeling guilty that they abandoned their Anxious partner. They may contact the Anxious partner and ask to get back together as their Avoidant symptoms are softened after having a distance.
In my case, I was also feeling guilty and wanted to contact her when my symptoms calmed down.
2. Scared of abandonment
Avoidants are also scared of being abandoned as Anxious do. Although they are the one who pushed their partner away, they feel lonely and sad once they feel that their partner really left them (I know that this is completely selfish, but I need to admit I felt so).
Avoidants do not want to get completely abandoned, thus they may reach out to their partner or find a new Anxious person.
Either with the same or new person, they will go back to Cycle 1.
This is the 6-step relationship cycle for Avoidants.
Summary
I, as an ex-Avoidant, wanted to explain the 6 steps, sharing my true feelings.
This cycle happens to Avoidants even if changing a partner.
First, they get attracted to the partner feeling that this was their destiny.
They quickly come to their happiness peak and suddenly face the end.
Anxious partners get so shocked as their Avoidant partners suddenly get cold. As you were so happy, you get hurt by the sudden changes.
However, again, Avoidants also do not know why and get hurt. As much as you are under the pain of feeling abandoned, Anxious also feel strong pains and try to escape from their past issues. In order to escape from the unexplainable fear and suffocation, they need to keep a distance from you. It is very hard for Avoidants as this is normally not understood by others.
Other Avoidant related articles
Leave a Reply