I am writing the following messages to you who are trying to understand your Avoidant boyfriend’s feelings. I understand his feeling as well as yours because I used to be both Avoidant and Anxious.
You might be feeling awful because he treated you badly such as abusive comments, disrespect, ignoring/silent treatments, cheating, bullying, taking money from you, etc. You must have been facing his unloving behaviors towards you.
You might be thinking that “I am the victim. This is all his fault!”. Or, you might be thinking, ‘This is all my fault”. It is very understandable as you are in a tough situation.
However, I would like you to know that Avoidants are also feeling awful – it is not just you.
There are reasons behind his problematic behaviors. He is not mistreating you for any reason.
I am writing this message so that you understand what is going through in Avoidant minds. Specific symptoms can differ from an Avoidant to Avoidant, but they share the same trends.
I will first explain what Avoidants are and their 2 types of fears; conscious and unconscious fears. I am sharing my honest feelings as an ex-Avoidant, which will help improve your relationship with your Avoidant partner.
Simply put – those who avoid building deep connections and emotional closeness in relationships.
Avoidants have childhood wounds/traumas in their households. Thus, while they may well manage shallow relationships, they unconsciously avoid deep relationships as such closeness stimulates their past wounds.
table of contents
7 characteristics of Avoidant attachment
1. Having grown up under overprotective parents, he is not good at dealing with strong emotions
1. Player
- He dates multiple women and does not commit to one woman
- It is a strong status symbol for him to be able to have many sexes and to be desired by women
- He has a great career or reputation – good at putting on an act of being competent
- He acts confident around women and knows how to show care for them
- He looks down on men who have a limited experience with women
2. Dictator
- It has to be his way
- He frequently speaks in a commanding tone
- He often talks down to you or is dismissive of you
- He abruptly gets angry when you even slightly disagree with his opinions
- He can be physically violent
- He strongly believes that he is right
3. Taker
- He has demands on others, but hates to take others’ demands
- He turns to be kind only when he asks for your favor and/or when you accept his requests
- When you reject his requests, he gets grumpy, complains, or gives you a silent treatment
- He is persistent in getting his needs met
- He displays strong signs of immaturity and selfishness
4. Narcissist
- He often makes comments indicating that he thinks he is superior or above others
- He easily says and does things to hurt other people’s feeling
- He only talks about himself
- He lacks empathy
- He is kind to others who compliment him while he can be aggressive to those who criticize him
5. Escapee
- He sometimes ignores or ghosts you
- He overly dislikes the feeling of being “tied down”
- He always values his freedom
- He does not share his true feeling
- He does not like deep conversations
- He avoids sharing his schedules and plans
- He does not like making promises and having commitments
2 Types of Fears for Avoidants (conscious and unconscious)
1. Fear for intimacy (conscious)
The first type of fear for Avoidants is to get intimate. This fear exists at a conscious level, which causes Avoidant symptoms.
Avoidants, in most cases, acknowledge that they have a fear for intimacy and are not good at building healthy intimate relationships. They are fine to maintain shallow relationships with some spaces in between, but feel a strong fear of intimacy in romantic relationships. When being in a romantic relationship, they cannot avoid having symptoms of one or more of the 5 types described above.
You may think that if they are aware of the issues, they should stop doing them. However, they cannot control them – this is why they are “Avoidants”. I used to be an Escapee. When I ghosted my partner, I did feel bad doing it. Although I felt bad, my mental state did not allow me to do otherwise.
Partners of Avoidants would not at all understand this complication and challenge of Avoidants, simply wondering “why isn’t he contacting back?” (I know this is a normal reaction). I will explain in detail later, but the key for partners of Avoidants is to avoid as much as possible pushing a “button” to trigger their fear for intimacy.
2. Fear for abandonment (unconscious)
The second type of fear for Avoidants is to get abandoned, which exists at an unconscious level. Thus, only a few Avoidants acknowledge this fear – the majority of them do not even realize having a fear of abandonment.
By taking these approaches, nobody can cut our hearts deeply.
However, if we continue to live a shallow life, we never get close to anyone and build intimate and safe relationships. This is what the life of an Escapee looks like.
Avoidant men commonly choose a woman whom they feel that they can take charge of. These women tend to be submissive, dependent, and feel lonely – those who Avoidant men can easily control.
Because Avoidant men, deep inside, are very scared of being abandoned, they feel comfortable when they are taking charge and hate and reject the situation a woman is taking a lead.
You can make his problematic behaviors worse or softer – your actions/reactions have strong impacts.
As mentioned in the beginning, you might be feeling awful because he treated you badly such as abusive comments, disrespect, ignoring/silent treatments, cheating, bullying, taking money from you, etc.. However, please know that you do have a strong impact on his problematic behaviors.
I will share a part of 11 actions you should avoid when dealing with your Avoidant boyfriend.
11 actions you should avoid dealing with your Avoidant boyfriend
This is how he defends and protects his heart – it is very natural for him.
You also felt awful due to his reactions, but if you want to stay with him, it is critical for you to understand the below.
1. Direct, Order, Advise
Avoidants significantly dislike being ordered, directed, or advised.
Many avoidants grew up in dysfunctional households with overprotective and/or intrusive parents. Their feelings and opinions were often dismissed and ignored. This led them to overly react to directions, orders, and advice.
Avoidants feel strong resistance to these comments that normal people do not have many reactions to. Depending on his mood or the way you say it, he may get instantly upset, yell at you and strongly fight back.
In the past, when my partner casually said “can you bring the tissues over there?”, I felt strong anger, thinking “who are you to order me?!”. Such an insignificant comment made me angry because my past wounds were stimulated.
2. Interrogate, ask about his feelings
“What is he thinking?” Do you want to ask him as you are confused about his true feelings?
Avoidants are very scared that others know their true feelings. They do not want others to know their feelings – this is because they got hurt when they shared their true feelings in the past. When you ask and push to get answers, his first reaction can be to switch subjects, ignore you, and/or try to leave, displaying his discomfort. If you continue to ask, his reaction turns into anger.
Not to say: “why don’t you reply back?” “why can’t you see me?”
3. Dumping your emotion
Avoidants are very bad at dealing with strong emotions. They can get hurt and even feel suffocated. This is again because they got hurt in the past when strong emotions were thrown at them – this stimulates their past wounds.
Negative emotions and even positive ones, if very strong, push their “buttons” and can worsen Avoidant symptoms.
I often hear my clients saying “I had suppressed my frustrations too much and too long and finally exploded at him”. I hear your pains, but you need to communicate appropriately.
Example: “why don’t you get it!?”
4. Request
Avoidants also feel resistance to intense requests, especially the request for more love. Partners of Avoidants are often Anxious who are Codependent and hungry for love, requesting perfect love from Avoidants.
This stimulates Avoidants’ past trauma. They get scared and urge to run away.
Examples: “I want to see you soon” “I want to hear your voice more frequently”
5. Ask for a promise/commitment
Avoidants, not necessarily all of them, are not good at making promises and having commitment. They take commitment as if they are deprived of their freedom. They negatively overact, feeling that you are too possessive.
Their mind tends to be extreme, all or nothing.
6 to 11. Limited release
=>If you seriously want to improve your relationship with an Avoidant partner.
“Check”: please check how many behaviors above apply to you.
I only share 1 to 5 here (apologies that I cannot share all of them). How many behaviors apply to you?I assume that you can relate to some of the actions above. Almost all of my clients have taken more than 2 actions. When they discover all 11 actions, they admit that they have done more than half of the 11 actions.Some of you might blame yourself, but please do not worry. You could not help it as you did not have the proper knowledge. If you will be more conscious and careful moving forward, you can start to deal with your Avoidant partner much better.
How to deal with an Avoidant partner
These are what you need to avoid so that you do not make his problematic behaviors worse. Again, please do not think that I am blaming you, only you. He is also pushing your “buttons” to make you feel anxious.
That said, if you take such actions described above, his Avoidant symptoms get worse. If you want him to stop/minimize his Avoidant behaviors, you can manage your behaviors/actions to impact his behaviors.
Avoidants know that they are weak.
As an ex-Avoidant, I can share how I felt. To be clear, Avoidants are mentally very immature and Avoidants know that.
Despite his arrogant moves, you might have sensed that “he is, in fact, insecure and has low self-esteem”. You are correct.
Some Avoidants, not all, even realize that they need to face their “Avoidant” issues, but cannot face them and continue to “avoid” the challenge. They cannot show their true self because they believe that they won’t be loved as they are too weak and sensitive. Equally to Anxious and Co-dependent, Avoidants also feel unlovable, have low self-esteem, and fear of abandonment.
There are more contents about relationships with Avoidants that you can rarely find online.
=> Textbook: how to deal with an Avoidant, with a deep understanding of Avoidants
Summary
- Avoidant characteristics and checklist – please assess your boyfriend
- Avoidants have 2 types of fears. They often recognize their fear for intimacy and their inability to build close relationships.
- It is hard for avoidants to recognize their fear of abandonment as it is at an unconscious level.
- You can make his problematic behaviors worse or softer – your actions/reactions have strong impacts.
- The more you take 11 “not-to-do” actions, the worse his problematic behaviors would be. If you repeatedly do it, he might ghost you or break up with you after he gets seriously angry with you.
- Partners of Avoidants should self-check and avoid making Avoidants’ behaviors worse.
- As it is also important to understand the limited release section, if you were to stay with him, please read the article.
=> 3 Must-read articles for Avoidant attachment styles
Please read below if you truly want to understand and stay with your Avoidant boyfriend
=> For those who struggle in a relationship with an Avoidant boyfriend
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