Have you given up, assuming that you cannot recover from Avoidant attachment?
It is not impossible, but it is much more difficult to recover from Avoidant attachment than some other dependencies.
I understand that you feel like you need to give up.
However, I guarantee you that you can improve it if you do not recover 100%.
I used to be a hardcore Avoidant, but I have greatly recovered and can develop this site. Back then, it was impossible for me to open up and share my honest feelings.
Be careful! Do not use the wrong ways to recover from Avoidant attachment.
Many relationship sites are talking about wrong information about Avoidants to increase their site access.
table of contents
You should not try to recover by simply sharing honest feelings with your partner.
Some sites were recommending; “open yourself to your partner”. As you know, it is very risky. If you could easily open yourself up, you are not Avoidant, to begin with.
You have deep mental wounds.
It comes long after your deep mental recovery for you to take such a surface-level action of “opening up yourself”.
If your partner rejects you after you open up yourself, your Avoidant issues quickly get worse.
Even if your partner were trying to accept you, she needs to be extremely strong to continue accepting and dealing with you.
I want to emphasize this before moving to the main section.
All Avoidants have past traumatic experiences, which caused them to be an Avoidant
Broadly speaking, there are 5 different types of Avoidants: Player, Dictator, Taker, Narcissist and Escapee.
Each type has different characteristics, but all types commonly avoid getting close to other people and have clear reasons why they became Avoidants.
Please think of a big tree.
The current Avoidant symptoms are simply branches and leaves. The core issue is the root of the tree (i.e. past traumatic experience).
The main 6 causes:
What are the main causes of Avoidant issues?
It certainly depends on people, but there are mainly 6 different causes.
1. Intrusive mothers
Under your intrusive mother, you got hurt as she often ignored your feelings and told you what to do. When you try to get close to someone, you start to wonder “what if I may get hurt again as my feelings will be ignored.” You try to protect yourself by keeping a distance and hiding true feelings.
Intrusive mothers often give unsolicited advice, using language such as “do this, don’t do that.” Thus, you are very sensitive to the language.
This is the key reason why Avoidants tend to rebel against directions and orders.
2. Overprotective mothers
While intrusive mothers try to control and restrain their children, overprotective mothers spoil their children by accepting children’s requests and wishes such as;
– I want toys
– I want to eat more snacks
– I do not want to study
We need discipline. In social life, we need to learn to harmonize with other people.
Growing up under overprotection builds a strong sense of entitlement. However, when we become an adult, such mindsets create challenges in life.
If you realize your mistakes and correct the sense of entitlement, you will be fine. However, when you refuse or fail to change your mindset, you start to avoid close relationships with other people.
And you get attracted to an Anxious type who is similar to your overprotective mother who lets you do whatever you want.
Also, you may pretend as a good person at a superficial level.
3. Dysfunctional family, fighting parents
Even if your mother is not intrusive or overprotective, growing up in a dysfunctional family such as fighting parents or a father with additions can also cause you to be Avoidant as you did not learn to feel comfortable with close relationships.
One of my university friends had an alcoholic father, which impacted him to be an “Escapee” type. He was very well-liked by women but was not able to date anyone.
4. Too tight family bonds
Some families treat grown-up children as if they were still in grade school, forcing their life to center around family.
Let me share my old friend’s stories – this was even when he was 28 years old. He had to follow strict family rules such as;
- – Everyone in his family needed to go to Disneyland together at least once a month
- On non-work days, he needed to come home by 6 pm.
With such past experiences, “love” became “no freedom” in his mind, and he avoided close relationships.
5. Abuse and bullying outside of family
Outside of family issues, you may become Avoidant when you were abused and bullied in your childhood and your self-esteem was strongly damaged.
This case also may impact you to avoid close relationships and become Avoidant.
6. Past relationship issues
Your self-esteem can also get massively damaged by sad relationship loss. We all can be temporarily very skeptical of trusting the opposite sex right after getting dumped. However, if it persisted for a long time, you may become Avoidant.
Mother is often the main cause (= 80%)
Mother is the first woman for men to deal with. Thus, mothers can be a symbol of womankind for men.
I grew up under an overprotective mother. I, thus, felt fear when someone was trying to worry about me or take care of me (women may not understand this feeling).
The only way for recovering: facing the trauma and improving self-esteem
Recovering from many different types of dependencies shares similar solutions: facing the trauma and improving self-esteem.
Step 1: correctly understand the Avoidant attachment style
Step 2: face the core issues and acknowledge your attachment style
Step 3: heal the wounds and improve self-esteem
I guarantee that we can soften the Avoidant symptoms by following the steps – this was observed, including myself.
The reason why you cannot recover => is because you avoid facing Avoidant issues
It is harder for Avoidants to recover from the issues than those with other insecure attachment styles.
This is because Avoidants have a hard time doing Step 2 (i.e. facing the issues). The core symptoms of Avoidants include “hiding true feelings” and “not accepting one’s weakness.”
Facing own issues is hard for any dependencies, but it is much harder for Avoidants. This is why many Avoidants do not recover or do not even try to recover while mourning that they can never recover.
No courage to face yourself – you can list up many excuses
It is the end of your journey if you just say “well, I am Avoidant, thus it is expected that I cannot face myself.” Nothing will change.
You will continue to be the way you are for the next 5 years and 10 years,..
Clever Avoidants protect their excuses with logical explanations, but the main issue is that they do not have the courage to face their past.
I can say this as I was there.
Please note that if you have an Avoidant partner and tell him the above directly, he will quickly cut you off. “Old me” would do the same.
[For Avoidant’s partner] is there any way to soften my boyfriend’s Avoidant symptoms?
I increasingly receive this question. If you have an Avoidant partner, I can see why you ask this question.
Please read => For those who struggle in a relationship with an Avoidant boyfriend
Please also see the other articles about the Avoidant attachment style.
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